The Showjumper
They may look complicated but they are pretty simple to understand. They are fuelled by double clears & prosecco.
This is The Showjumper. They may look complicated but they are pretty simple to understand. They are fuelled by double clears & prosecco.
There is the 1st round where the Showjumper displays amazing control, patience & accuracy. Then there is the jump off against the clock section. This is the part where, even if The Showjumper tells you they are going for a ‘steady double clear’ they actually go like a bat out of hell, with handbrake turns. It looks like something from Dukes of Hazzard on horseback.
The Showjumper must not fall off their horse. Falling off is the worse thing that can happen to The Showjumper, not only might they get their snazzy, white breeches dirty but they have to do the showjump walk of shame out of the ring with everyone watching them. The judge even kindly rings the bell twice to alert all the spectators that a showjump walk of shame is about to begin. This is the course walk. This is where The Showjumper learns the route they need to ride & where they do their ‘ministry of funny walks’ strides to work out the distances between fences.
It is also when they absolute shit themselves because the fences are much bigger up close than they were expecting when they entered the class. The Showjumper wonders if the coursebuilder’s measuring stick is broken & starts hyperventilating. The Showjumper is incredibly accurate. They can see their exact take off point for a fence as they turn to it, they can feel how to ride a related distance the best way for their horse , they can shave seconds off a jump off time with the tightest of turns & they can scissor cut their horse’s mane into the perfect ruler straight edge.
The Showjumper wears a pair of very expensive leather boots. They are a thing of absolute beauty. They cost around the equivalent of a down payment on a nice car & The Showjumper probably loves these boots more than some members of their own family. The Showjumper sometimes suffers from Fourfaultisis. This is a terrible condition as no matter what they do they can’t seem to stop that one pole from falling. Often the Fourfaultisis clears up as suddenly as it started but sometimes it just won’t shift. The Showjumper gets a bit grumpy & worries they may be forced to become an Eventer, who don’t mind having 4 faults.
The Showjumper wants to qualify for Dublin Horse show and go on the sunshine tour. These are massive parties with amazing shopping, gallons of prosecco & a bit of showjumping involved.
The Showjumper might tell you they had ‘a couple of unlucky poles’. What they mean is they don’t want to talk about their round. This is because their horse became a wild, snorting steam train from hell, they couldn’t see a stride for toffee & so they ploughed through pretty much every fucking fence. The Showjumper needs to quickly drink some prosecco or pink gin to help them recover. The Showjumper likes to have their name embroidered on stuff. Their saddle cloth, their rugs, their jacket probably even their underwear. If they are wearing it, you want to bet your ass they want their name on it!
The Showjumper may seem like a complicated creature but really they aren’t. They have never forgotten the glamour & excitement of seeing their childhood hero’s taking on the biggest courses in the world & wanting to be just like them. Whether they are jumping around Grand Prix or a clear round The Showjumper is amazing, dedicated, fun & just a touch competitive.
written by Karla Parsons.
